How did you beat addiction?
 If you have ever been addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex or any other behaviour, and have been successful in beating that addiction,

we would like to hear about it.

Addiction is a 'condition' that affects millions of people in one way or another, and which causes untold distress, hardship, pain and sorrow. Although there are many treatments available that can help individuals cope with their addictions, the truth is - addiction is little understood.

Your story is valuable.

If you are one of the fortunate few who have managed to 'turn your life around' by beating your addiction, your story could possibly help someone else to do the same. There is no right or wrong way to achieve this but for many who suffer from addictive behaviour, the concept of 'recovery' from addiction seems an impossibility. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, especially when someone is prepared to share their own experience.  Whatever your personal experience is,

Your story could inspire someone.

Please use the form below to tell us your story - in doing so, you may just give someone else the encouragement they need to confront their own addiction problem.

Thank you
 

Firas tillisy 6/19/2010 7:00:45 PM

I was living in south east asia for the past 3 years now, i started using heroine about a year ago, it all started in Thailand where the purity of the heroine is very high compared to europe and north america, i feel like im stuck in a never ending loop, the drug provides me with comfort after i experienced a break-up in my relationship. what to do????????

LYNNE MCAULAY 6/16/2010 12:07:23 AM

Hey there !!! 'if you ever needed a drink to take away the shakes, or a bag to take the pain away then just stop and think for a minute............' This is what I think about every time I feel that im struggling to stay sober or think its too much hard work, because rain, hail or snow, shaking, sweating, vomiting, I managed to 'walk the line'- no matter how far away the shops were, and how ever sick I was - somehow I found the strength within me to go the distance, to push myself to the limit, all for the sake of feeding my addiction - although I had no strength inside me, I feel that I could have moved MOUNTAINS in order to get that chemical inside me - as if I had an inner strength, a force inside me, pushing me further, making me strong enough inside to satisfy that obsession inside me. Today I believe the thing inside me, keeping me going, had to be my WILL..........my 'own self will run riot'. Today, that same stubborn, nasty, selfish will, keeps me sober - just for today - along with the help of my Higher Power. Whenever I feel weak, or think that I cant stay sober, a day at a time, I take myself back to the days of my active addiction, to remember myself of all the effort and hard hard work I went to in order to get my fix, and, believe you me, im not long in finding the strength that I need to continue through the day, and do the things I need to do in order to stay sober - and give myself a hard boot up the backside while im at it !!! HARD WORK ??????? If I can have this beautiful life today that is filled with peace, love and contentment - on the condition that I stay away from that fatal first drink - then the HARD option is the one im going to take, for me its the only way. No more quick fixes for me, I have learned the hard way that a quick fix is only a short term blanket - imagine trying to fit a single duvet cover over a double bed with two people in it !!!! no matter how much I pull it, twist it, try my hardest to stretch it - some part of something will always be exposed - so, instead, I put the work in, become aware of the problem, get off my backside and find the solution - a new, big, comfy, warm DOUBLE DUVET !!! to be enjoyed - honestly - and with no guilty feelings - because I worked hard to get it. (this is only an example, to try and show how, mentally, how we try to cover our thoughts, feelings and emotions with a substance, which, temporarily, takes the pain away/numbs us until, that too, is no longer effective). I don't think that us addicts give ourselves enough credit sometimes, I personally, am only just beginning to 'allow' myself to be proud of myself for all that I have achieved since '1 September 2010'. In the earlier days of my recovery, I was afraid to be 'too proud' because I thought it was 'wrong' somehow, or that something bad would happen to me if I actually took the step and broke through the fear and BELIEVED in myself - trusted myself. Even right now as I write this, I am able to identify triggers to relapse - situations are happening around me with close family members that I know for sure if this was last year, I would have ran away, straight out the back door and my self will would have taken me right to the nearest carry-out shop, for that 'quick-fix' that first drink, followed by another, that would, right there and then, take away that 'feeling' in my head, give me 'instant gratification' - but only for a very short time - by then, its too late, I have already started off that obsession, that craving for more booze, and now im off and running.........we all know the rest, the 'horror stories', the horrible things we do and that are done to us when we are in the grip of addiction. Tonight, im not running away, im sharing this with you, the only people who understand me, and for that I am eternally GRATEFULL. Tonight I understand that im totally POW-ER-LESS over every single living PERSON, PLACE, THING on this earth, and please believe me when I tell you that having that insight into that alone is giving me the most unbelievable feeling inside myself, its a feeling of absolute freedom of the mind, body and soul, its happening as we speak and im actually physically shaking right now !!!! (but, hey - it feels amazing) Tonight I understand the power of SHARING my thoughts feeling and emotions with another human being, to admit to myself and also to my higher power, the 'exact nature of my wrongs' in order to 'free' myself from my addiction. Tonight I understand that my addiction is very cunning, baffling, and power-full and it doesn't want me to tell people what's on my mind, oh no, it wants me to keep everything in, to bottle it up, so that eventually I will run back to it, and it will be waiting for me with open arms - trying to lure me into its trap, because without me, my addiction cant survive, is nothing without me, pathetic, filthy, dangerous and filled with so much evil, twisted, hatred. Tonight, I have only this to say to my addiction - ALL DAY YOU HAVE TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME, YOU HAVE TRIED TO INSTALL HATRED AND ANGER IN ME BUT YOUR SORRY PLAN DIDN'T WORK - DID IT - YOU ARE SCUM AND I HATE YOU - AND - JUST FOR TODAY - I AM NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRAP - I AM AWARE OF THE LIFESTYLE THAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER ME - INFACT, NOT EVEN A LIFESTYLE, IF I EVER CROSS YOUR PATH AGAIN, ITS SUDDEN DEATH - IM UNDER NO ILLUSION - SO , TONIGHT, NO THANKS, BECAUSE I CHOOSE LIFE - THE BEAUTIFUL, HAPPY, LIFE THAT MY HIGHER POWER AND I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY TO ENJOY - ONE DAY AT A TIME. Tonight, I say a prayer of thanks to my Higher Power, the only one who has stuck by me through thick and thin, always there no matter what, always putting His arms around me and loved me until I could learn to love myself, and for that im eternally gratefull. Tonight, I share one last thing with you, my fellow addicts,- the next time you feel like picking up a drug/drink because your finding 'life on life's term hard' stop and think for a minute............'how much blood, sweat and tears did I put into getting that next fix when I was using.........then maybe - just maybe, you will find the strength within yourself to do what ever it takes.................to stay away from that first drink/drug......and dont let that bastard win. 'If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it............' This quote from the 'big book' fascinated me when I first heard it, it taught me that when I see other people thriving and doing well in their recovery, not to be jealous, but to take from it hope, inspiration and determination that I too can achieve sobriety, peace, love and contentment in my life, one day at a time. I'd like to say to everyone out there who is new, struggling, just back after a relapse or anyone who is absolutely loving their recovery, that if we do the things that are suggested to us to in order to stay sober,(things I do on a daily basis)_ i.e share with some-one - become aware of triggers - stay in clean and sober company - avoid being dishonest to self/others (my personal favourite)- when im in the wrong, I promptly admit it, and apologise where appropriate - don't get dragged into other people's stuff(gossiping, being two-faced etc), ALWAYS remembering that we are POWERLESS over people, places, things, at the end of each day, reflect on any situations where you could have done things a wee bit different, looking for the positives, rather than the negative, or being aware of the part you have played in things.............I learn new things every day, I love taking a step back and assessing a situation, finding a healthy solution to any problems that may arise in the day. I didn't think it was possible to EVER feel the way I do, without the use of drugs or alcohol. I have feelings today, and am able to give and receive love freely, at the end of my drinking, I had lost my 3 children, was homeless, had been given 2 years to live, had no family or friends, had been brought back to life twice, and I had actually accepted death. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and although my parents tried their best, my childhood wasn't very pleasant, I then went on to be with a very violent drug addict at the age of 17 and my life tumbled further down, for the next 12yrs, I didn't know I could go even further down, but yes there was further down to go. Im now 34yrs old, and only since 1 sep 2009, have I ever, ever felt the way I do - and I love it !!!! GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY, TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE I have just spoken through my thoughts and feelings, which would have led to a relapse, eventually, if I hadn't shared it with you, so for that I say thanks to each and every one of you, please feel free to contact me at - bonnie33@hotmail.co.uk - if you need to talk anything over or even just to share a wee bit of happiness, don't keep it in, 'coz it will come back and bite you at some point in your life, push through the fear, together we can keep our addiction at bay, it will never go away, but we can learn new skills to cope with it and gain new tools to cope with it !!!!!!!!!!!! My tool bag is full to the brim haha..... lots of clean and sober love to you all, X x LYNNE x X bonnie33@hotmail.co.uk x X

emma 6/13/2010 10:16:47 PM

You could blame my addiction on many things, from being raped daily from the age of 8, to mental and physical abuse at home. But I don't see it helps. I'm just an addict. I used alcohol from the age of 11 daily (my abuser provided) and went on to all drugs, daily from the age of 17. I had HUGE scripts and used heroin, crack, cocaine on top. I was addicted to 7 types of drugs for 23 years and never thought I could do recovery. So what changed. I did. It was me and my behaviour that were the problem. So, even when I did detox's (of which there were many) they never lasted because I was still the victim,people pleasing, selfish, pessimistic person I always was. It wasn't until I got aware of how I behaved and challenged on it (and boy, did I get challenged- I'm thankful) that it started to change. I am now nearly three years clean and sober and so happy. I used to pray that I wouldn't wake in the morning because I was so desperate. I was misery itself. Now, I work in substance misuse and I'm doing my Health and Social Care degree. I have a lovely home, the same one that used to be a crack den, which I've decorated and refurbished myself through hard work. I live an honest programme and there I think lies the key. Emotional honesty especially. Because if you talk about how you feel, you can get supported. If you have support, you can manage. I don't struggle now. I enjoy it. I still find anger a hard emotion because it's not one that comes naturally to me. I'm not used to it. But it passes a lot quicker that it used to. If i can do it-so can you. Some one told me (from NA) 'you don't need to believe it-just know that I do', when you're soo low and you've tried and failed, you may not believe it. But know that I do. Let that be enough to carry you, until you're strong enough to carry yourself, and you will be. Emma

tigger 4/8/2010 12:17:05 AM

Time to free the beast! Right here goes. I am 45 and have just been to my first CODA meeting. I am a co dependent, and I have only just realised. For many many years I have had my story locked away inside of me, and only small parts of it have i ever told, and that to only three friends in 27 years. And yet the power of my story still holds me in a vice. I was given my first joint by my mother when I must have been about 15. She is an addict, an addict of all sorts of things, but basically an addict. I am too. My mother in those days was an addict of sleeping pills as was my estranged father. Both took Mogadon every night before going to bed, and again if they woke in the night. My mother smoked, and still does. She drinks, and always has. In a sort of 'socially acceptable' way, appreciating good wine at lunchtime and every evening. She is on Valium to this day. I don't see much of her but I did see her on mother's day. The first thing she did was to offer me a valium. She has health problems now. She has appallingly low self esteem, had a very troubled and complicated upbringing, an unhappy one. Anyway, she gave me my first joint, first drink, cigarette etc. All of this was couched in an attitude that it was acceptable to partake because it made one more fun, and i suppose more 'loveable'. Somehow it was cool to get stoned, smoke, drink and rave at parties because it was a symptom of being free. Another symptom was to be sexually liberal. Enjoy sex, become good at it - these were the messages our dear mother used to give us. Basically in Co dependent translation, it was a message that we should accept sex in place of love, and be satisfied with it. We should get out of our heads and depart from our senses and feelings because it made reality more enjoyable. These were the messages of my upbringing. Dad left mum when I was six. Mum still speaks her deep bitterness at the fact to this day. And it happened nearly forty years ago. Clearly she has issues about letting go. So do I! So, when I was 17 I was on about my 12th boyfriend. This one I thought i was really in love with, as i did all of them. He and i made promises to one another to love each other until we died. To always teach each other what we knew. To belong to one another forever. He was from a dysfunctional home. He was mixed race. His father had gone off with another woman recently, and he and his siblings were confused and rejected and hardly saw him. M was on a self destructive path from the moment I first met him. He wanted to be like Keith Richards I remember him telling me on the phone one day after having been expelled from school. He wanted to play the guitar and become a heroin addict. When he said this i felt maternal and wanted to mother him and protect him (how crazy is that! i was only 17 myself). I wanted to help sort him out. At no point did my self preservation kick in then. I left school and home, and went up to London to live in a squat just behind the front line in Brixton with him and a bunch of French punks. We shoplifted in the local supermarket for food every day, they did the odd burglary, we went to punk gigs, and generally hated everything to do with Thatcher's Britain. We pretended to be anti establishment and yet lived on the state for a while. Within a couple of months, a friend of my brother's offered us both heroin. We smoked it. It made me puke and feel airless and brain numbed. Things progressed from there. The boyfriend had no self preserving calibration. He was not interested in having a job, so never got one. I wanted to tow the line and impress someone (God knows I didn't manage that one though as they weren't even looking). I worked in a decent job that someone in my family helped me get down in the west end. By this time we had moved into a grotty flat in West london. It was a pit. Depressing brown old velvet sponge sofa, ghastly ancient stained bogs and bathrooms. No curtains. Lino peeling off the kitchen floor. Electricity meter that was always guzzling the coinage. We hung up some combat netting over the stairs to give it a street feel, installed the stereo, pinned up some scraps of fabric over the windows and got into a nightly routine of scoring gear. By this time there was another guy living with us, firstly the bastard that first pushed smack onto us, and later a younger lad A, who was a decent human being. Anyway whenever there was any cash about they were off to buy more drugs. From heroin to speed from the rastas on All Saints, to bags of weed. From squat to flat to pub. Surreptitious sneaking around. Wheeling a dealing. Cutting it with crap and reselling. Fucking evil. There was little comaraderie in it all. It was just stupidity and pain. Anyway, I was not as into the scene as my friend. He had no escape. I did. I used to leave london for a few days at a time and go and stay at my mother's boyfriend's place in the country. There I would come off the heroin that i was smoking regularly in london. I would go through cold turkey alone and with no one to witness my night terrors and sweats. I would claim to have a cold or be under the weather. My whole body ached almost unbearably. My bones itched. i felt raw and an alien in my body. My head throbbed. I stank. My skin was awful. My hair lacked any lustre of youth. At night I would not sleep. I would see monsters coming out of the walls. I was 18. I hallucinated horror. I felt disgusting. I felt deserving of the agony because I had done it to myself. I did not know a way out. I did not know if that would ever go away. I wanted to feel again, feel alive. I certainly could not imagine feeling healthy again ever. Then back to london i would go, to the boyfriend i had pledged my soul to. To this child/boy/man who had no idea what he was doing to his family or himself, let alone to me. He was on a hell journey and did not want to be saved. If I wanted to be around this bloke who i thought I loved, I had to do the drugs too. Because he was off his head, the only way i could find him was to go there too. Eight months went by like this. Me going to work, doing drugs at night, bunking off from the pit every few weekends to cold turkey, coming back and dying again. Up until now we all just smoked it as far as I knew. We heard stories of people we knew losing their lives. We scored from guys who supplied the IRA with guns. We hung out with people who had no sense of decency left. Who would do anything for a hit. Who shared works and jacked up into their necks because it was the only place left where they could find a vein. But, I have to say, it was also boring. It was utterly boring. There was a vicious fiend inside me that scrounged around wanting a hit whenever there was a chance. And a creepy slimy me that would try to be oh so nice and reasonable and likeable in order to be given drugs fast when they crossed the threshold of the flat. There was that utter selfishness that emerges from all of us when we are addicted. "Only I matter.... " resounds in the head of an addict. At that moment when you are so desperate to get out of it, all you can think about is that. For me it was a total inability to sit with myself and my feelings. I would do anything to avoid being with myself. But nothing at all interested me. I was not really there inside. After 8 months of this hell, I had the chance to go to India. I had some money, and I had a friend who wanted to go too. She did not know what I had been up to for the past 8 months either. We made a plan and for me it was a plan to find life again. I had no idea that it was going to take me a few years. On the plane I went through cold turkey. I was ashamed and I hid my hell well. She never knew what beast I was wrestling with. She just saw a girl who caught the flu on the flight. We were on a budget airline, and the Syrian foreign minister to france had just died. Our plane took off and landed about six times en route to Delhi and somewhere up there my eardrum burst. It was excruciating. Because of my shame at having become a drug addict I did not tell anyone. I just felt in agony. It was fucking painful. By the time we landed in India I could not hear a thing out of one ear, and the other felt like cotton wool was stuffed in it. I was pouring sweat, and green snot. I felt disgusting. On top of that I had never been to a third world country before, and there were more people there than I had ever seen in my whole life all together, and that was just the airport. Anyway we managed to find our way to a place to stay , and I collapsed for the next three days. Fortunately for my 'cover', the girl I was travelling with got sick too, so just assumed we had both gone down with a virus. We stayed a few months out there. I cleaned up mostly. I did have some drugs three times or so. But I felt ashamed when I saw european junkies in the street in those places, scrounging off the poverty stricken Indians, trying to feed a habit whilst most of those around them were trying to feed their children. I felt ashamed at the usury of the first worlders. I felt ashamed of my selfishness. Back in the `uk I saw the boyfriend again. He had started shooting up and his arms were covered in tracks. I tried to save him, but no one could save him but himself. My efforts were more at my expense than being of any help to him. I was just someone to lie to and scrounge off. He only came to the airport to meet me to ask me for some cash to score with. He was not interested in anything, just getting off his tree. I had a misplaced sense of loyalty. I thought I still loved him. I thought I owed him. I thought I was still supposed to be his girl forever. But he was pretty messed up. I left again, went away, left london. Over the next few years I gradually stopped using any drugs at all, even painkillers. Slowly I woke up, at least in part. My senses returned. But i never talked about any of this to anyone. Now I feel very stuck again in my life. I give up cigarettes and then start them again. I am addicted to giving up and starting. I put myself through the hell time and time again. I don't know what I want in my life. I seem to be an expert on dysfunctional relationships and I havent even had one now for a few years. I want to learn to be healthy now in my head. I wish to learn to have positive self esteem. I wish to let go of the crippling sadness that i still carry around with me every day. I wish to understand that I cant help every one, but that i can help myself. I want to unravel my feelings and start to understand why i feel angry, sad, depressed, needy etc. The time has come to let go of the past, and to forgive. I give thanks for all that I have. If you have read this far, thank you, because you have heard what I needed to say. If you are stuggling with substance abuse, I understand. If you are afraid, you are right to be afraid, but after courage comes peace. It is an adventure. I wish you well.

zander 4/5/2010 11:24:03 PM

Primary school age 11 i took my first bong with a friend and it never really appealed to me at first i left it for a while it was not until i reached secondary school age 13 that i got roped into cannabis more often. Then ended up a daily thing for me years this went on i am now 20 years of age and just went cold turkey 3 weeks ago. also threw the years there was a lot of party pills Ecstasy and Metradone. 3 weekends ago i took a few 2CB hallunagenic pills three times in a week. The first time was a great laugh and enjoyable experience. After that me and a friend had one during the week had a good laugh! The third time I took another full one. I experienced a really bad trip and really wanted the feeling to end. My friends tried to calm me down, but it didn't work. I was so terrified! The hellish trip lasted a few hours, but gradually faded away. I felt really paranoid and couldn't trust the people in my company. My head was hurting a lot and I was really tired, but couldn't sleep. Ever since that bad trip, I feel really confused, this had lead me to think that the side effects of the eventful night may be permanent. I have gone totally cold turkey from all drugs since that night. I feel a little bit better, but I still feel like my mind is confused and that I have lost touch with reality. I have also experienced flash backs of the night. This has lead me to suffer panic attacks, migraines, confusion and anxiety. My real concern is that I still do not know if these symptoms I am experiencing are linked to cannabis withdrawal or the bad 2CB trip. If anyone can relate to this or has any relevant knowledge on this subject I would really appreciate feedback. Thank you.

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