Recovery following addiction is a journey that requires patience and understanding from both partners in a relationship. Addiction itself takes more and more time away from a couple, taking its toll by creating an emotional distance and undermining trust between the partners that isn’t easy to overcome. We often see couples caught up in substance addiction falling into a vicious cycle in which substance use causes conflict, this conflict leading to more substance use as a way of reducing tension, conflict again escalates, more drinking or drug use occurs, and so on.
Substance addiction issues in a relationship
Long-term substance addiction can deeply impact a marriage or relationship in various ways, leading to a range of problems, including:
- Breakdown of trust: Addiction often involves secrecy, deception, and betrayal, eroding trust between partners. The addicted partner may lie about their substance use, finances, or whereabouts, leading to feelings of betrayal and resentment in the other partner.
- Communication issues: Addiction can hinder effective communication within the marriage. The addicted partner may become defensive or withdrawn, while the non-addicted partner may struggle to express their concerns, leading to misunderstandings and conflict.
- Financial strain: Substance addiction can strain the couple’s finances due to the costs of obtaining drugs or alcohol, legal fees, medical expenses, and lost income from employment issues.
- Emotional distress: Addiction often leads to emotional instability, mood swings, and unpredictable behaviour. This can escalate into mental and physical abuse.
- Neglect of responsibilities: The addicted partner may neglect their responsibilities within the marriage, such as household chores, parenting duties, or maintaining emotional intimacy.
- Health issues: Substance addiction can have detrimental effects on physical and mental health, impacting both partners’ well-being.
- Dysfunctionality: Drinking and drug use become the only or one of the few things the partners like to do together. Sometimes, one or both partners need to be drunk or high to show signs of affection or to talk about the problems in their relationship.
- Impact on children: If children are involved, addiction can have devastating effects on their well-being and development. Children may experience neglect, instability, and trauma, affecting their emotional, academic, and social functioning.
- Legal consequences: Addiction may lead to legal issues, such as arrests, fines, or imprisonment.
New beginnings
Many treatments for individuals who have a problem with alcohol and other drugs will include the partner in some way. Research has shown that involving partners in the treatment at some point can be very important in helping the treatment succeed. It is also essential that the problems in the relationship be treated; these problems do not go away because the drinking or drug use has stopped. While in recovery, both partners must be patient with each other’s progress, setbacks, and emotions and strive to cultivate empathy and compassion.
A key element to salvaging a relationship or marriage while in recovery is rebuilding trust, which can be a delicate process that requires time, commitment, and effort. Trust will be the foundation of any strong relationship in the future after recovery.
Here are some coping strategies to consider:
- Acknowledge the harm caused by your addiction.
- Reflect on your actions and take responsibility.
- Commit to making positive changes.
- Be transparent with your loved ones about your recovery journey.
- Share your progress, challenges, and setbacks openly.
- Listen actively to their feelings and concerns.
- Demonstrate reliability by being consistent in your actions.
- Recognise that addiction affects both partners. Substance use disorder doesn’t only impact the person addicted to drugs or alcohol; it also affects their loved ones, especially the partner living with them.
- Both parties need to approach the situation with empathy. The non-addicted partner should avoid blaming or shaming the addicted partner.
- Replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy ones that promote emotional well-being and strengthen your relationship. This may include mindfulness, engaging in enjoyable activities together, and developing effective communication skills.
- Recommitment to recovery: The addicted partner should recommit to their recovery plan. This may involve attending more support group meetings, seeking professional help, or adjusting their coping strategies.
- Joint efforts: Couples can work together to create a supportive environment. This includes avoiding triggers, encouraging healthy habits, and practising open communication.
- Codependency often arises in relationships where one partner has SUD. Codependent relationships can be toxic, as the caretaking partner prioritises their partner’s needs over their own, leading to poor health and unhealthy boundaries.
- Establish clear boundaries regarding substance use, communication, and emotional well-being.
- Prioritise self-care for both partners. Taking care of yourself allows you to support your spouse better.
- Couples counselling is essential. It provides communication strategies, addresses underlying issues, and helps both partners heal.
- Both partners should also attend individual therapy to address personal issues related to addiction.
- Consider attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings together. These support groups can offer insights and coping mechanisms.
- Treatment programmes often offer family and marriage counselling. These sessions can help couples repair the damage caused by addiction.
- Support from family and friends is crucial. Surround yourselves with a network of understanding and compassionate individuals.
Long-term strategies
In the long term, both partners need to face the possibility of incidences of relapse during recovery. It is important to seek professional help and support to navigate such challenges. However, much of the responsibility will ultimately rest with the couple and their commitment to recovery and future growth. Remember that relationship stability significantly predicts long-term recovery success. Below are some long-term coping mechanisms that can be put in place:
Seek professional help:
- Consider couples therapy specifically designed for couples dealing with addiction. A therapist can help you navigate challenges, improve communication, and rebuild trust.
Therapeutic approach:
- The therapist will likely revisit treatment goals. They may explore what led to the relapse and how to prevent it in the future.
- The therapist may recommend additional individual sessions for the addicted partner to address their triggers and coping strategies.
Nurture emotional intimacy and growth
- Recovery can be an opportunity to spend quality time together, express renewed appreciation and affection, and rediscover shared (or lost) interests and goals.
- Couples will need to prioritise reinvigorated emotional connection to rebuild their relationship.
Create a sober environment:
- Identify and eliminate triggers that may lead to substance use.
- Explore new hobbies or interests that don’t involve substances.
Working together
The issues highlighted within this article reveal the complex and multifaceted impact of substance addiction on marriage. However, with dedication, support, and professional help, couples can collaboratively overcome these challenges and rebuild their relationship in the context of addiction recovery. Recovery is a journey, and it requires patience, empathy, and commitment from both partners. By working as a couple for each other, you can rebuild your marriage and create a healthier, happier life together.